Gold
by D.K. Archer
Summary: KurtAmanda, some slash.  Nothing good stems from the phrase We have to talk.


Gold

Rating: PG

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She was beautiful, in the morning. It was Saturday, and her long dark hair wasn't quite tamed yet, curling over her shoulders and shining in the slanted light. The sun was golden and bright and magnificent in the crisp autumn sky, in that beautiful week between when the leaves turned and when they all lay in a bronze and gold carpet over the grass. It was cold enough for her to be wearing a sweater, but she was smiling, sitting on the little oak bench in the park and watching the little boys and girls on the swingset some twenty yards off, smiling that Woman Smile, that nesting sort of smile that Kurt thought meant she was thinking about her own some day, but then, it was hard to tell. Amanda's smiles were a mystery to him. Her whole repertoire of expressions were a mystery to him, a thousand subtleties and variations he could never read properly, and he expected now he'd never learn to.

She saw him, crashing up the dirt path through the sea of leaves, hands in the pockets of his new jacket and holographic skin failing to catch that perfect gold sunlight that should be bathing him now. Her smile turned into the Kurt Smile, or that's how he thought of it, anyway. It made those almond eyes light up and her lips turn up wetly, so perfect. Kurt's stomach rolled lazily and he smiled back, feeling a little wan, and she scooted over on the bench for him, patting the place he should sit. He took his seat, hands still jammed in his pockets.

"This place is so beautiful in the fall." She said, without preamble. Her smile was turning back into a Woman Smile as she slid her hand around the loop of his arm, such a casual, perfect gesture. She was perfect. So simply perfect. Kurt fidgeted, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Yes, it's… It's something." He said stupidly. She just smiled broader and leaned against him, eyes drifting back towards the children.

"Did you ask me out here to look at the leaves?" She asked. "That note you left in my locker wasn't very telling."

Kurt swallowed. "No." He said, struggling visibly. "I just…uh…."

Amanda looked up at him, straightening a little, but the smile remained. A different smile, not quite the Woman Smile. Kurt couldn't place it. She waited.

"Amanda, I just….We….I mean…." Kurt paused and let out a puff of air, aware he was stumbling all over himself. "We need to talk."

Amanda's Not Quite Woman Smile crashed. She blinked at him. "Talk?"

Kurt groped mindlessly for words. "About…about us. And…." He turned in his seat to face her better, feeling miserable at the wary look in her eyes. "Amanda…."

She let go of his arm, bringing her hands together to fidget with her nails. Kurt sighed.

"Amanda, I've got something to tell you." he admitted, looking down at his own hands instead of at her face. "And you're not going to like it, and I'm sorry, but I just….I mean…" Why did the day have to be so perfect? Why did she have to be so beautiful? "I just have to tell you that this isn't going to work."

She blinked at him for a moment, soft eyes wide.

"…What do you mean?" she asked gently.

Kurt shut his eyes, tilting his head back. It couldn't possibly be easy. "I mean we can't see each other anymore." He said miserably. "We have to…we have to stop."

"Why?" she asked, blank look fading into something that made his chest hurt. "Did something happen? I mean…we didn't get in a fight, we didn't…anything! Is it something I did?"

"Nothing! You didn't do anything!" He protested, reaching to take her hands. She jerked them back.

"Then why are you breaking up with me?? If I didn't do anything, why would you suddenly change your mind like that!"

"It's nothing you did!" he said, successfully grabbing her hands this time. She sat still and looked at him. "It's not you. I swear, it's not you."

"Then what is it?" she asked miserably, voice pleading.

He opened his mouth, then swallowed, feeling horrible.

"Kurt?" she prompted.

He looked away at the grass by the foot of the bench. "It's not you." he repeated gently. "You never did anything. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, my parents love you… You never did anything wrong. It's…it's just me. I'm the one who's screwed up. Okay? It's not you. It's me."

Amanda ignored the horrible line. "What do you mean?" she asked, hurt. "You mean, the…the mutation? Is that what-- Because you know that doesn't matter to me!"

"No! That's not what I mean." he said, frustrated at his own inability and desperate to make this clear, to not hurt her. "Amanda…"

She looked at him silently for a moment, eyes thin and mouth pinched. Suddenly her eyes widened again, and Kurt's stomach dropped.

"Is it…is it because there's somebody else?" she asked weakly, the last resort of the shunned and mystified woman. "Did you find somebody else? Somebody you like better than me?"

Kurt stammered helplessly, hating himself. "No, it's not…it's not like that, Amanda. I mean… Okay, so there is somebody else. But it's not like you think!"

Amanda took in a little gasp of air and she slapped him on the shoulder, making Kurt flinch away. "You were cheating on me! And now you're going to break up with me??"

"Amanda!"

"Who is it?" She demanded, lip trembling in hurt fury. "Krystal? Denise? Who could you possibly find who is so much better than me!"

"It's not like that!" Kurt insisted again.

"Like hell it isn't!" She slapped at him again, but this time Kurt was already braced for it. "I thought you wanted to-to graduate and settle down, and, and have kids! I thought you wanted to do that with ME!"

"I do! I mean, I did! I mean-- Amanda! Please! It isn't Krystal, it isn't Denise, it's none of your friends. You don't even know them!"

"Then tell me who it is!" she ordered stubbornly. She was at the ready to smack him again, and he knew it.

Kurt let out a breath and shut his eyes miserably. Here we go. "His name's Todd." He said, feeling his face getting hot with humiliation under the hologram. "You met him once. He's the one who broke into your apartment trying to steal my holowatch."

She stopped before her slap actually connected with Kurt. He stayed cringed for a few moments longer before opening one of his eyes warily and, seeing her blinking at him stupidly, slowly uncurled. She didn't put her hand down, though, and he didn't drop his guard.

"…T-Todd?" She said, staring at him with one of the many indecipherable Amanda expressions. "You mean, as in, a boy? You're leaving me for a boy?"

"Yyyyes." He said, watching her raised hand warily.

Amanda slowly lowered it, letting her arm hang limply over the back of the bench. She was staring at him. Kurt squirmed, not sure that he liked this look any better than he had the pinched, shunned fury.

"So you're…you're gay?" She said faintly, trying the words out. "Is that what you're telling me?"

"No. I don't know. Maybe." He grimaced, ears sliding back a little miserably. "It's…it's not….It's hard to tell."

"But you're going out with Todd." She said bluntly.

"Well, yeah…I mean, not really. Not like going OUT, out. More just…I don't know."

Amanda nodded slowly. Kurt wished he could read her expression. "…Have you told anyone else?"

"Me?" Kurt fiddled with his hands. "I-I wanted to tell you first. I figured…You better know before anyone else does. Right?"

She nodded again. Kurt caught a faint tremble in her mouth, perfect lips pursing to hide it. "How did it happen?" she whispered.

Kurt shook his head. "I don't know." He admitted softly. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I just… He's different. He's not like anybody else. He's hurt and he's mean and sometimes I want to kill him, but he's… There's something good in there, you know? Something…I understand."

Her eyes snapped to him, and away. Kurt hung his head.

"Are you in love with him?" she asked quietly, the fatal question.

Kurt shifted his feet in the leaves, making them crackle. "I…I don't know." He admitted, barely audible over the leaves and the laughter from the playground. "I think so."

Her eyes slid off him and looked down at the crisp leaves by the bench, looking through them more than at them. Kurt tentatively reached out and touched her arm. She didn't pull back from him.

"Amanda?"

Amanda shut her eyes and turned her face away, chin crinkling.

"Kurt…go home." She said quietly.

Kurt grimaced and tried to catch her eye. "Amanda…"

She shook her head. "Just go away, Kurt. Leave me alone for a while." Her voice was starting to tremble.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, suspecting she was about to cry and hating himself for causing it. "I didn't think this would happen. I didn't mean to hurt you…"

She made a faint, humorless sound. "I know. Just…just leave. Leave me alone right now. If I'm going to be able to look at you at school on Monday, you've got to leave me alone right now."

Kurt pulled back reluctantly, hating himself. "If…if that's what you want."

She nodded. "I'll see you next week, Kurt."

Kurt got up from the bench and began to walk slowly away, leaves whisking ahead of his boots, going ahead of him on the sidewalk like dolphins to a ship. When he was nearly out of the park he finally dared turn around, looking back at the little oak bench near the playground where Amanda was sitting. She was watching the children again, face wet and eyes distant, mouth turned down in trembling hurt. The leaves, the sun, the air was golden, he could hear children laughing and shouting on the swingsets.

Turning his face away, Kurt stepped behind an old oak tree, and disappeared.


End file.
